Vipassana Day 4

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. ”                

--Pema Chodron

She says:

close your eyes and picture an orange

This is meant to focus the mind

slow down the hamster wheel that is my brain

reduce the chattering to a whisper.

But there behind the dark of my eyelids

and the quiet rush of my breath

my orange glows like a harvest moon.

It is the orange of a monk's robe

it is the bounding recoil of a rubber ball

the sweet freeze of sherbet on the tongue.

Eyes closed, I am peeling the orange

I am feeling its skin tear softly

tasting its sudden sharp juice: I have never

seen an orange so beautiful

or brought such a lovely color to my lips

the color of prayer

the color of desire

the color of a fist raised in celebration.

But this is not why I am here

this fierce joy that translates as pain

stinging fresh and hot against my eyelids

nor the sudden vision of a face I've tried to forget

how he smiled with his whole being

and how I lit up for that, my heart a harvest moon--

No, I am here to let go

I am here to breathe

I am here to be here.

So let it be.

Look back into the eyes of the dark

and let the colors go

give up the fruit with its violent goodness

give up my love

hunger fear pain joy need want belief

all the names I call myself

and when they are gone there is only

breath and a beating heart

so big it strains my ribs.

She says

now let the orange go

and I open my hand and it goes.

KB ©5/3/2014